9 Lessons I’ve Learned in 9 Years of Marriage

Where has the time gone? No really. Where? I think my 20’s fell into a black hole.

The hubby and I have been married for 9 years and together for 12!

That means I was a whopping 22 years old when we started dating. I would say take me back to being that young. But hold the front door. That is a HUGE NO!

I am such a different person. Such a better person. Not to toot my own horn or anything. But toot toot! And I would say the same about my husband.

Looking back sometimes makes me cringe. The way we behaved. The way we reacted to each other. Ugh.

Thank goodness we are like wine. We just keep getting better with age. Or a little less crazy and a little more logical with age.

Also the clothes and makeup. Let’s just say a lot has changed in the last ten years or so. A LOT! It’s similar to looking at old family photos and being appalled at the stuff you wore. My outfits from my tween years were usually all one color. I had an all yellow outfit that I seemed to favor.

Anyway, off my rant of 90’s fashion and back to the good stuff.

Marriage. Spending the rest of your life with the perfect person. What a beautiful idea!

That is just what it is. An idea. An image in your head.

I am no marriage expert. I read books for that! This is my absolute favorite!

But I am definitely much more enlightened in the subject than I was back in 2010!

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Here Are 9 Powerful Marriage Lessons I’ve Learned.

1) Communication

Make time to talk. Say how you are feeling. Sad, angry, hurt or whatever you feel. Say it.

Talk about the things you want. The things you need.

My husband is not a psychic. Say What!! I was(and still am sometimes) guilty of expecting him to read my mind. And then when he doesn’t I am so offended.

Holding things in is just asking for a blow-up. Unless you are a calm and collected person and losing your shiz doesn’t happen. In which case you deserve a virtual high five!

In my relationship, I am the talker. Talking is my specialty.

My husband and I will have talks that last for hours. I don’t think he loves these as much as I do. Afterward, I feel like I have lost a couple of pounds. And I guess I kind of have. An emotional weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

But seriously! Communication is crucial. And sometimes it sucks. The hard conversations. The awkward conversations.

Better to just pull the band-aid off and do it though! 

Need help with communication? Read this!

2) You Will Not Always Feel Like Loving Your Spouse

In fact, you may question whether you are capable of truly harming them. You will question if jail time is an option. Some days there will be worse things than wondering how you look in an orange jumpsuit.

No. Really. There will be days when some of the stories on Snapped will make sense to you. You understand. If only a tiny bit. And maybe it doesn’t last long. Maybe you snap out of it pretty quickly. Like that wordplay right there? Or maybe for a few days, you stay away from all the knives in the house. No judgment here.

There will be days when you will be so hurt, so angry or so psycho that you need some space.

Like I said. You will not always feel like loving your spouse.

When you marry someone I don’t think you picture a time when you won’t love them exactly that way! But that bubble was burst for me a long time ago.

And that’s OK. 

3) Don’t Stop Dating

I can’t speak for all couples. But for many I think falling into some sort of routine is inevitable. Especially if and when kids come along. It is a natural progression. And what I am constantly learning is that it takes more effort than you think it will to keep the fire alive.

Even an at-home date night will do. Not just another night of hanging out and watching Netflix. Which by the way is an awesome date night idea! But if that is what every date night is that is probably gonna get old.

If you are like me, you will suddenly find yourself being super catty and snappy. This means date night is overdue. Take me out now! Here are some inexpensive date night ideas you should try!

Date nights, people! No excuses.

4) Avoid The Comparison Game

Your marriage is just that! Yours.

I have a bad habit of hearing and seeing only the best things about another relationship. I pick out the things I need to make a point to my husband. Look, Brad does this. Look how happy they are. How come you never do that? Blah blah blah.

Nobody knows what goes on in another person’s relationship. What we see and what is below the surface can be very different. This is true for my marriage.

Many things that happen stay between us and I think that is how it should be.

I have to remind myself there are 2 people in my marriage. Gotta stay in my lane!

5) People Change

The person I am today and the person I was 10 years ago is very different. Thank goodness for that!

I have a perfect example. We just got a new stove and microwave yesterday. And we were so dang excited! Back in our 20’s, we would have been so annoyed if we had to spend money on something like that.

Now, having talks about getting new flooring or painting our bedroom is very exciting.

Also, I no longer have the urge to stay out til 3 a.m. and then wake up with a headache. Being home by midnight is more my jam.

Josh and I always say we have grown together. And boy did we go through some growing pains!

I could go on and on about changes. The point is just to be open to the idea that change will come. And that’s not a bad thing.

6) It Never Gets Easier

Easy. Not a word I would use to describe marriage. It just is different at different times. There will be seasons where things seem to flow naturally. Then there will be other seasons where being in the same room together can be rough.

You will fall in and out of sync. Hills and valleys, people.

We have to accept the good and the bad. And put in the work when things aren’t going great.

7) Fight Clean

This can be a hard one. Fighting is inevitable. I feel like I should say arguing. Fighting sounds so intense. I’m not talking in the ring boxing match fighting. OK, I’m just overthinking this.

But fighting dirty can cause hurt that doesn’t go away after the fight. I have a temper. Everyone has some sort of temper. And not saying very mean things can be hard for me sometimes.

But don’t cut too deep. I have learned that being cruel may feel good at the moment but it backfires.

Now, I save the cruel talk for my journal(check out how to get started with your own journal). I can write mean and irrational things in there and nobody sees it but me. I may go back and rip out some of those pages. Overdramatic describes me pretty accurately.

8) It Really Does Take Work!

SO MUCH WORK!!! Marriage is hard. We hear this all around us. Yet I never really fully understood this until I was deep in the married life trenches.

Marriage is not like the movies. No pretty bow to wrap everything up in.

Sounds similar to parenthood. We are told all these things and some we may give a second thought. But most go in one ear and right out the other.

The truth is no matter what anyone tells you about marriage you can never fully understand until you are in it.

Nothing beats experiencing the real thing.

9) Have Your Own Life

This is a hard one for me. I have always just assumed that every spare minute we have will be spent together. OK, not every single minute. I do like to watch some shows by myself while he is playing video games.

But when it comes to a day off, I want us to be together. And it was like this before our daughter came along.

Going out separate feels strange to me. I am just so used to having him by my side.

Josh is someone that needs time away. He needs his space. And I can become an emotional wreck and take this so personally.

We have been working really hard on this lately. It is pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Which is scary. I’m a routine kinda chick. But this is just one more thing marriage has thrown our way.

Starting this blog was a huge help with this though. Check out how to start your own blog!

What has marriage taught you?

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