Why Do Marriages Fail?
Why do marriages fail?
I’m sure you have a few heavy hitters that come to mind. Cheating. Lies. Finances.
But let’s put those ideas in the background and look at this from a different angle.
Yes, those heavy hitters are very capable of destroying a marriage. This is not at all about diminishing the power of what many people (myself included) think of as “big” issues.
However, marriages can definitely fail even without the occurrence of those “big” issues.
There are lots of things that may not pop up on our radar right away when we think of what could end a marriage.
Things that don’t come to mind automatically when we think of things that could be potentially destructive for our relationships.
And those less obvious things can be some of the most dangerous.
Those things will get you. They can build and build and pretty soon those issues that didn’t seem too harmful become black clouds surrounding your marriage.
Think about a slow leak in your tire. You can usually keep driving along for a while. But there will inevitably be a point where the tire is not working the way it should.
It is not going to get you where you want to go.
That’s how to look at these ideas. They are slow leaks that if left unfixed can drain the joy and happiness from your marriage.
Here Are 6 Less Obvious Answers to The Question of Why Do Marriages Fail
Let me be a little more specific. A severe lack of communication will take a toll on any marriage.
Over time, that lack of communication grows and grows into a gaping hole and you and your partner are on opposite sides.
This can make it seem literally impossible to get to a point where you and your partner are even in the same book, let alone the same page.
Here are two words that can make all the difference.
Marriage meetings have been one of those things that have been a game-changer for my marriage. We set aside time every week to bring up anything either of us has on our minds.
It is so easy for spouses to become like ships passing in the night. So it is up to us to be really intentional with how our time is spent.
Marriage meetings are the perfect way to keep communication in the spotlight.
2) All “WE” and no “ME”
A relationship is all about building a healthy partnership.
But you do exist separate from that relationship. It is easy to forget this. I know because I spent so much time only thinking of myself in terms of being a wife. A partner.
I only thought of myself in terms of where I stood in relation to my marriage and my husband.
My marriage benefited greatly when I made the choice to focus on personal development. I had always been a fan of self-improvement but this was different.
I started being very intentional in my daily choices and outside influences I was consuming.
I really focused on looking inward and getting to know myself.
Inner work is essential to the success of your marriage.
Are you into books? Great! There is no shortage of personal development books out there. (Check these out)
Or maybe podcasts are more your style. That’s great too! It will take you about 2 seconds to find a personal development podcast.
The point is that bringing your best self to the table will only do really good things for your marriage.
3) Unrealistic Expectations
There are so many unrealistic expectations we put on our marriages or our spouses.
We have this idea in our minds of how things are supposed to be. How marriage should be. How our partner should be.
When it comes to expectations, there is one thing I think many of us can relate to.
You did not marry a mind reader.
I have to remind myself of this quite often.
Our feelings seem so obvious to us so we might assume they are that obvious to our partner. We can be so convinced that they should just know how we feel or what we want.
Assuming is one of those things that has a way of not working out well for us. But you know what?
We still do it. Well, at least I know I do.
The key is not to expect yourself to never assume again. The key is being able to catch yourself before the assumption goes too far and snowballs into something bigger.
4) Sweeping Things Under The Rug
OK, let me be honest. I actually like sweeping things under the rug. Now, I know it is so damaging to my marriage.
But it is comfortable. For me, it makes me feel safe and restores balance so to say. For a little while. And then those pesky issues come back. And they have morphed into something worse.
Even with work and effort, talking about or bringing issues up is not an easy thing to do.
Sitting in discomfort is not my idea of a good time. But if you can get to the other side of that discomfort, good things will happen.
Remember those marriage meetings we talked about earlier. Those ARE the perfect tool for keeping lines of communication open and hopefully keeping most issues from getting swept under the rug.
5) Underestimating The Power of Your Words
We know words are powerful.
I would bet that every single one of us has been hurt by words. And most of us have probably hurt someone else with our words.
When we get comfortable with someone, we might not always be so aware of how we are speaking.
And we can also make the assumption that we can bounce back from hurtful words. But that is not always the case.
Words are weapons. And even if we can not see the damage, it is very real.
Is it realistic to say you will only speak to your spouse with kindness and respect for the rest of time? Heck no.
That is not even a possibility.
But we should all be looking at ourselves and how we treat our spouses.
In no way should we expect perfection, but we should hold ourselves accountable for our choices, actions, and definitely words.
6) A “WIN” Mentality
The goal to be right can consume people. I know during disagreements, I have been blinded by my need to get my husband to agree with the point I was trying to make.
Right and wrong. Win and lose. These are not ideas your relationship needs.
Keeping score is toxic for your marriage.
The goal should never be to win. The goal should be to find solutions.
Happily ever is no easy feat.
Marriage is work. And lots of trial and error and readjusting and shifting and learning about ourselves and our partners and our relationships.
It’s all the things!
In marriage, nothing is a quick fix. And as any person in a serious relationship knows, issues are inevitable.
But make sure you are checking on your marriage regularly. That’s the way to live mostly happily ever after!