Things I Do (Imperfectly) to Be a Better Wife

7 Ways I Try to Show Up Better in My Marriage

Let’s talk about some things I do to be a better wife.

Very imperfectly.

That word is the star player here.

I think it can often feel like advice or tips we come across need to be done a certain way all the time. (the right way)

Advice in any area of life can feel that way.

If we come across something that feels right for us, then it can start drifting into that black and white way of thinking. Every single time we don’t nail it, it feels like backtracking.

That was the case for me, at least.

I am one of those people who likes advice and suggestions. I like to be introduced to different perspectives. But I don’t want to get so lost or consumed in those things that I forget to think for myself or I stop making room for real life.

One thing I know to be very true in marriage is that it has a funny way of humbling you.

I know I wasn’t the only one shooting down people’s well intended words of wisdom when I was 25.

Now I would give anything to have a sit down with my grandparents and insist they spill anything and everything they feel like sharing.

I want to clear up something before we get this party started. Talking about being a “better wife” is not about me insinuating that women should carry the weight of a marriage.

It’s not about everything being my responsibility.

And this is not expert advice in any way. Marriage expert is definitely not on my resume.

I have simply learned in my 16 years of marriage that focusing heavily on what I can control has always had a better outcome.

These are things that I’ve tried to use as a sort of baseline I can come back to again and again.

This post contains affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you, if you make a purchase through a link. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Here Are 7 Things I Do (Imperfectly) to Be a Better Wife

1) I Try to Be Clear With My Words

Thank goodness I have gotten better at this over the years.

The mind-reader approach was just not cutting it.

The other day I was watching a show and was literally saying to myself out loud, “Just tell him how you feel.”

Now, being a spectator of two people is very different than being the one whose mouth has to actually open.

For a long time, I wanted my husband to just know.

I thought that my feelings and frustrations were obvious. I guess I wanted him to have cracked the code on my facial expressions, body language, and dramatic sighs.

Unfortunately, that’s not usually how it works.

Being open and clear can feel very uncomfortable. It is for sure vulnerable.

But I have learned that it is usually much better than silently hoping he gets it and then being disappointed when he doesn’t.

Oh, and I won’t even get into the stories my mind creates when he inevitably does not get it. What I will say about this is that writing things down in a notebook can give these stories less power and it’s a great way to challenge their validity.

2) I Try to Not Only Notice The Mishaps

My first thought here is, well, why do the mishaps make themselves known so dang well?

But it is very easy to get sucked into the snowball of things that went wrong or badly or not according to plan.

Frustrations stand out. Little annoyances seem to pile up faster than the poop piles in my backyard. (thank you to my 90 pound dog)

But I have learned that when I only focus on these things, they take on a mind of their own and completely take over.

They are all I see.

This is not at all about ignoring real problems or issues.

It does mean that I try to be intentional about what my mind keeps track of and make some room for the things that are going right, too.

Seeing the good right in front of us deserves to have the spotlight on it every once and awhile.

3) I Try Not to Take Everything So Personally

This one has always been very tough for me and most likely always will be to some extent.

I don’t think one day it’s just going to melt into the background and pull a slow fade on me.

The truth is that everyone is carrying around their own stuff. My husband is no exception.

Very often he has stuff going on or things in his head that have nothing to do with me. So taking his off mood or short answer as a direct jab at me would get me nowhere.

I, of course, don’t always remember this in the moment. But I am not above giving myself a million reminders.

4) I Try Not to Keep Score

This is one of those things I had heard about early in marriage and I shot down quicky.

Keep score with the lovable person I can’t get enough of? Never.

That bubble burst.

Life gets busy. The endless responsibilities can take a toll at times.

Before you know it, mentally tracking who did what almost feels right. I think for me, keeping score gave me some sense of control over the chaos of life.

But did it make me feel closer to my husband in any way? Absolutely not.

It mostly just made me feel more frustrated. Partly because I think a lot of people (myself included), have a scoreboard in their head that favors themselves.

I hope I’m not the only one who gives myself a leg up at first glance.

5) I Try to Be a Team Player

Life throws a lot at us, and there are times it doesn’t seem to let up.

It can feel like my husband and I are in two different lanes trying to stay afloat. We’re trying to desperately keep up with everything that needs our attention.

One aspect of being a team player is thinking about and considering what the other person needs.

Sometimes this could look like stepping up or giving a little extra grace.

Sometimes it means letting small things stay small.

I do not always get this right. (DUH, right?) Nobody gets it right all the time.

But when I take a beat before jumping on that train that is barreling down the track to My Husband Is My Opponent-ville, I feel better.

Life provides enough challenges without me creating a battle where there doesn’t need to be one.

6) I Try to Focus on What Actually Works For Us

There’s a flip side to my love of advice.

Sometimes you can take in too much information and start thinking that things will work for you if you just force them to.

Even if experience has proved otherwise.

I think learning and growing is cool. I think hearing different perspectives is valuable.

That said, every marriage is different.

What works seamlessly for one couple might not work at all for another.

While being open and willing to try different things is the vibe I like to roll with, I’ve also been working hard to pay attention to what actually helps my marriage rather than what I would like to squeeze in there because it sounds so lovely in theory.

7) I Try to Live in Reality

I don’t mean that in a harsh way.

Let’s call it a softer reality.

Wishing things were different in some way is normal. And since perfection is not real, there will always be room for growth.

But I have definitely gotten wrapped up in the idea that things had to be a certain way before I could give my relationship that metaphorical “going good” stamp.

Reality is messy.

My marriage tends to do less thriving when I am poking holes in it.

Also, there’s a lot of space between complete optimism and complete pessimism. I’m always looking for that middle space.

It’s easy for the pendulum to swing into “everything is great” territory and then quickly make its way over to “this is doomed” land.

I feel overall lighter when I put in some effort to not let either side yank me to their side like an intense game of tug and war. The middle is much more peaceful.

This article could go on and on and on.

I mean, how many books are there on relationships? I love reading a lot of those books, by the way. (I’ve actually read this one and this one multiple times)

But the word imperfectly did a lot of the heavy lifting here. Because I don’t do any of these things perfectly.

Not even close.

Some days I still have that scoreboard going strong. Some days it’s the farthest thing from my mind.

There are days I communicate well, and days where I let out huffs, puffs, and eye rolls.

That’s real life.

You know what? Try was another word here that did some heavy lifting. Let’s give that word its flowers.

Maybe learning, growing, adapting, and trying again and again as we go is the elephant in the room.

What would you add to this list of things I do (imperfectly) to be a better wife? I know you have some nuggets!

You Might Also Like:

7 Ways I’m Trying to Live in The Middle Lane of Life

9 Things That Help Me When Life Feels a Little Blah

9 Everyday, Simple Ways to Be a Better Partner

13 Things My Marriage Needed More of

things I do to be a better wife