Things I Understand About Marriage Now That I Didn’t at 25
6 Things I See Differently About Marriage
Let’s talk about some things I understand about marriage now that I didn’t at 25.
First off, let me say that I am not a marriage expert. I definitely do not have marriage and all its moving parts on lock.
Secondly, I think there will always be something new for me to learn. That refers to marriage and all the other areas of life.
That said, I do have a very different and broadened perspective on marriage after being married for 16 years.
I got married at 25 years old. And my memory might be a tad fuzzy, but I’m guessing I thought I knew a decent amount about marriage.
And I don’t want to totally discredit my much younger self. But I think you kind of have to be in things to learn about them. Experience and growth cruise along together.
None of these things I’m about to talk about revolve around some massive “aha” moment. Life just has a way of reshaping how you see things.
These are just some things I see more clearly now.
Not in an “I have marriage figured out” way, but more in an “I’ve lived a little more life and gained some perspective” way.
Here Are 6 Things I Understand About Marriage Now That I Didn’t at 25
1) Life Can & Will Overshadow Things
Dun. Dun. Dun. The black clouds are rolling in and you better take cover.
That might seem a bit dramatic, but I tend to get sucked into doom and gloom thoughts more often than I’d like.
Life does have a way of demanding our attention.
Our marriage is not always the front and center thing on a pedestal we may have pictured it being.
So many parts of life compete for space.
That’s not looking at things in a negative light. That’s real life.
When I was younger, it felt like marriage being the star of the show was the only way. That was the plant I needed to water and help thrive no matter what.
I now fully see that’s just not possible at times. The loudness of life (however that looks for you personally), has a way of sliding right into the driver’s seat.
That doesn’t mean your marriage has been pushed aside. Sometimes it simply mean you’re deep in a full life.
2) Problems or Issues Can Linger
I mean two things by that statement.
One, there will be recurring things that come up. Many things are not a one and done conversation solved type of thing. That seems so obvious to me now, but it wasn’t always that way.
Two, every problem or issue doesn’t need to be solved immediately.
If things feel off, I want them discussed and wrapped up ASAP. I still technically feel this way, but I also know that’s not how things work.
Any type of tension is not my favorite thing, and patience has never been an area I thrive in.
I think what really changed for me over the years was being able to acknowledge that there are open files, so to say, and that doesn’t need to snowball into all these other things.
Unresolved issues don’t mean your marriage is failing. There can be things hanging out there.
Some things take more time. Some things will require more conversations.
And sometimes, the timeline we prefer is not the one everyone is on board with.
3) The Personal, Internal Work is Huge
I have always been drawn to personal growth in any capacity, but I used to stick like glue to the idea that my husband and I needed to come together and figure everything out jointly.
I’m not saying there’s no truth to that. There is certainly a place for that, but a lot of growth happens individually.
For me, it used to feel like figuring out my husband was something I could literally make a full time job. It wasn’t always so clear to me to work on figuring out myself.
We play a pretty big role in the experience we are having. So it makes sense that internal work is necessary and can be impactful in a relationship.
Over time, I have seriously come to realize that understanding myself is beneficial for me as well as my marriage.
4) Change is Inevitable
Okay, maybe I sort of knew this at 25 but it wasn’t front and center on my radar.
And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. That’s where that lived in, real time experience comes in big time.
People change. Circumstances change. Life changes.
The things on my plate at 25 look very different than my plate at 41.
My husband and I have both changed over the course of our 19 years together. Our lives look completely different.
That’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t even need to have a label at all. It’s just what happens.
That said, every change will not always feel like a seamless integration.
Yes, change can sometimes feel exciting. It can also feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes it can take a minute to catch up and see that things aren’t the same as they once were.
5) Finding Common Ground is Always Better Than Being Right
Knowing this doesn’t make it easy. It actually pains me a little to even type those words.
My stubborn inner self wants to do a little fan dance like a peacock showing off those feathers.
I like being right. Or at least believing in my bones that I’m right.
Time has proved to me repeatedly that proving a point is not the hill I am willing to wither away on.
It used to feel like I needed to stick to my guns no matter what, or I was somehow rolling over and showing my belly.
Finding common ground doesn’t mean abandoning your feelings, thoughts, or perspective. But moving forward usually requires a little flexibility.
I’m much less interested now in hunkering down on opposite sides of the room and waiting for someone to wave the white flag.
Also, does it work like this every time without fail?
Heck to the no.
We’re still real people and not robots permanently set to a compromise-no-matter-what setting.
6) Love is Important, But it is Not The Magic
We love each other, which means everything will work out and be fine. We’ll take on the challenges of life with love as our secret weapon.
As I mentioned earlier, my memory is not always the most reliable thing, but I think that is what my 25 year old brain was thinking.
Love is, obviously, incredibly important.
It’s just not the whole story.
There are many other pillars holding things up too. (communication, trust, patience, respect, kindness, etc.)
Love needs to be there, yes. But I think I’ve really learned over the years to not put all the eggs in that basket.
None of this is about proving my younger self wrong. It’s not a dig at how I didn’t know nearly as much as I do now.
I wasn’t wrong back then. I simply was working with what I had.
Being less aware was not a shortcoming on my part. There were simply things that revealed themselves over time.
And I’m still only 41, so having it all figured out now is definitely not on my bingo card.
While mistakes and learning will always be part of the gig of marriage, I do have more perspective. And fingers crossed I keep getting more perspective under my belt.
Perspective is kind of like the gift that keeps on giving.
I often wonder what I will look back at in 20 years and marvel at in regard to my way of thinking now.
These are some things I understand about marriage now that I didn’t at 25. What nuggets would you add to the list?
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