Things I Thought Made Me a Good Mom (But Really Didn’t)
6 Things I Used to Think Were Proof I Was Doing Motherhood Right
Let’s talk about some things I thought made me a good mom.
When I first became a mom, I had a lot of ideas about what being a “good mom” looked like.
Actually, these ideas made an appearance long before I ever had actual kids.
Some of them came from my own childhood. Some came from other moms, things I had seen online or in a movie, and some I had just absorbed somewhere along the way.
And some I completely made up in my own head. Round of applause for my brain being creative.
After more than a decade of actually being a mom, I’ve realized that a lot of the things I was using to measure how I was doing were not exactly giving me a fair grading scale.
This is not a “do this” or “don’t do this” kind of list. There aren’t things you must follow or stop doing to start killin’ it in the motherhood department.
Honestly, none of these things scream “horrible idea, run away from it as fast as you can.”
Some of these honestly still feel like wonderful things at first glance.
I just don’t want them to be the main factor I use as a measuring stick for motherhood.
Here Are 6 Things I Thought Made Me a Good Mom, But Really Didn’t
1) Putting My Kids First All the Time
I forgot to mention earlier that all of these ideas sort of live in the gray area. That’s hard for me.
I like absolutes. I like to have clear rules to follow.
But in motherhood, things are usually not as clear-cut.
When it comes to raising children, there is obviously a lot of putting others before yourself.
It took me quite a bit of time to see that there’s a big difference between putting your kids first and always putting myself last.
It became too easy to believe that pushing my wants or needs further and further back was just what I had to do. And after awhile, it can feel like breaking away from that is taking something away from your kids.
I was almost stuck in this “good moms do it this way” loop.
Constantly putting yourself last isn’t this concrete proof that you love your children more.
Sometimes my kids will come first. Sometimes what they need will absolutely take priority over what I want. That’s part of being a parent.
I just no longer feel that I need to disappear from the equation entirely to prove I’m doing it right.
2) Fighting off Disappointment for Them
Let me put on my armor and get my sword ready. That’s an exaggeration, but it did feel like I was going to battle in a way.
Wanting to protect your kids is so normal.
And this could be everyday, ordinary situations or things that feel a little more high-stakes.
Disappointment is not this great feeling that I chase. But it is part of life. Somewhere along the way, I thought I could keep it at bay for my kiddos.
At least until they were older and it might be handled or received a little better.
I will always care, and it might always sting a little when they’re disappointed. That said, disappointment is not proof I failed in some way.
I’ve started seeing that being there while they experience those feelings matters so much more than swooping in and trying to keep those feelings at a distance.
I don’t have to fight every battle with disappointment for them. In fact, I can see now how that doesn’t do them any favors in life.
Sometimes I can just stand beside them while they figure out what to do. Being there and stepping in to take over are two very different approaches.
3) Doing Everything for Them
We all do things for our kids.
There’s a point in motherhood when we do almost everything for our children. I’m not saying to pick a hard cutoff age where they are on their own.
But I realized (more recently than I’d like to admit) that doing everything for them isn’t the same as taking care of them.
Allowing kids to struggle or make a mistake or just not want to do something they’re fully capable of doing is part of the job too.
And sometimes it’s honestly so much harder to let them do something themselves. Especially when I know I could do it faster. I could fix things or make the situation easier.
But making everything easier for them isn’t necessarily the goal.
I always want them to know I am here to help. I never want them to question that. But I also want them to know they’re capable of figuring things out without me sliding in and doing everything for them.
Even if I do it with good intentions, the short-term relief isn’t stacking up anymore against the long-term impact this could have.
4) Having Patience Be My Entire Personality
I’m sure before I had kids, I had this idea in my head that patience was going to be my thing. Oh, and I was going to be cool, of course.
Who wouldn’t want to be a cool and patient mom?
The thing is I am a cool and patient mom. (My coolness factor might not be as on point if you ask my middle schooler.)
But I am so many other things.
I’m a mom who gets irritated. I’m a mom who hits her threshold at some point for how many words I can listen to.
And I am a mom who sometimes realizes five minutes later that I could have handled something differently.
Being a good mom can’t be directly linked to never messing up. Never getting it wrong.
I’m much more about apologizing and trying again then expecting perfection from myself.
I still want patience to be something I work toward. And this is true for all areas of my life, not just motherhood.
But I don’t need it to be my entire personality. Every impatient moment doesn’t cancel out everything else.
5) Making Everyday Special
If there is one thing I want to do, it is to make their childhood feel special.
I have in no way thrown this idea to the wayside. It is still very front and center.
I just think I have changed the way I go about it.
It sounds strange, and I don’t know if I have found the right words to convey the message, but trying so hard to make things special felt like it was creating more resistance.
Special doesn’t have to be elaborate.
I think I thought having fun activities planned and having thirteen traditions attached to everything was the way to go. I’m sure the internet had a part in that.
Big memory makers are great. But the small things that might not stand out at first are just as great.
Making their childhood special will always be important to me. I have just stopped (for the most part) trying to manufacture this specific type of special that I think makes the cut.
Fingers crossed they remember the random dance parties in the kitchen. (Even if it is just because of my dance moves that my 12-year old tells me are cringe)
6) Keeping Them Happy
I used to almost have these two categories in my head.
Either my kids were thriving, and that meant I was doing a good job. Or they were struggling in some way, and I was then obviously dropping the ball in some way.
But they’re people.
I feel so many different things at different times. And sometimes different things at the same time.
Why did I expect different from these little people?
So often, I am triggered by something my girls are going through. And it becomes too easy for me to insert myself and take on their feelings because of how deeply I relate.
It’s hard to accept that no matter how well I love them or how hard I love them, they will still experience all the things that come with being a person in the world.
They will have bad days. They will get their feelings hurt. (And I will fight the urge to tell that child off.)
They will struggle or feel unhappy at times, and I won’t always be able to make it better. Just typing those words puts a tiny pit in my stomach.
I’d much rather have my standard for being a good mom be about being someone they can come to when it’s not all roses and rainbows instead of someone who tries her best to make sure they never struggle.
Because one of those things I can do, and the other I just cannot.
Final Thoughts…
Just to be clear, I haven’t lowered my standards for motherhood.
I’m not taking on an “it will all work out” mindset and going about my business.
But I have changed what I am measuring. I changed the grading scale I had embedded in my mind.
I still want to be all the things, all the time.
Yes, I want to be patient and put my kids first when they need me to. Protecting them and helping them will always be on my radar. I want their childhood to be special and there’s not much better than seeing them happy.
But those things aren’t the only proof I am doing this mom thing right.
There’s no rubric out there for hitting all the marks, all the time.
Maybe grading myself against some unrealistic standards was sort of defeating the purpose entirely. Maybe I can start slow by grading myself on a curve.
The pressure to get every decision right can make feeling like a good mom a stretch. A big old stretch. Like the ones when you bite into a piping hot mozzarella stick and pull.
In all honestly, I will have to keep coming back to the drawing board again and again. I can’t speak for what future me will do when my almost-teenager gets her heart broken for the first time.
But let’s not downplay showing up, paying attention, and being open to learning and growing right alongside them.
That’s not necessarily the easier path, but I feels like a fairer path for all of us.
What would you add to this list of things I thought made me a good mom?
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