How To Build a Better Marriage: 10 Helpful & Practical Ideas
Simple Ways To Improve Your Marriage
Welcome to Magical Marriage Secrets 101: How To Build a Better Marriage.
Sorry about that. In another life, I wanted to be a college professor.
Just trying to live out some dreams over here…
Ok, enough of that. Let’s talk about marriage.
I’ve been married long enough to know there aren’t actually any magical secrets to building a better marriage.
Wouldn’t that be convenient, though?
There isn’t one book to read, conversation to have, or habit to start that suddenly makes every part of a relationship fall into place.
And a better marriage definitely doesn’t mean a perfect marriage.
Perfect marriages are not the goal here.
Marriage involves two people trying to build a life together while both of those people continue to change. Then throw in work, kids, responsibilities, money, family, schedules, and all the other things regular life brings along with it.
Of course there are going to be ups, downs, and plenty of stuff in the middle.
I’ve also learned that some of the things that have made the biggest difference in my own marriage aren’t particularly groundbreaking.
It’s often the little choices we make over and over again.
Talking. Listening. Spending time together. Laughing. Being willing to change. Remembering that we’re on the same team even when we don’t necessarily agree.
None of these ideas are a magic formula.
They’re simply things I learned, things I continue to work on, and things that have helped me think differently about my own marriage.
As always, take what serves you and your relationship and leave the rest.
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Here Are 10 Ideas for How To Build a Better Marriage
1) Keep Communicating
Communication sounds obvious.
Of course we should talk to the person we’re married to.
And yet I think communication is one of those things that can become surprisingly complicated.
Sometimes the easiest things to talk about are the things that don’t really matter. The low-stakes stuff.
We can talk about what we’re eating for dinner, who needs to take out the garbage, what somebody said at work, what the kids are doing, or the random thing we saw online.
Meanwhile, the thing that’s actually bothering us is sitting quietly in the corner.
Having good communication isn’t just about having big, serious conversations. I’m sure my husband is glad I have come to this realization.
Sometimes it’s saying what we need instead of assuming the other person should know.
It’s talking about expectations and asking questions.
It’s listening instead of spending the entire time the other person is speaking preparing our rebuttal.
And sometimes, it’s having a conversation we’d really rather avoid.
Just to be clear, I’m not perfect at any of this.
But I have learned that when we’re not actually talking to each other, assumptions can take on a life of their own.
2) Keep Learning About Each Other
I used to think that after being with someone for enough years, you pretty much knew all there was to know about them.
That’s cute.
People change. Opinions change. Priorities change. Goals change.
We go through different seasons and experience things that change how we look at life.
The person I married and the person I’m married to today are the same person, obviously, but we’ve both changed in plenty of ways.
That’s one reason I like to continue to learn together and learn about each other.
Read something interesting and talk about it. Listen to a podcast. Ask a question you’ve never asked.
My husband and I have enjoyed using these TableTopics because sometimes a random question can lead to a conversation we never would have had otherwise.
These books are some of my favorites if reading about marriage is your thing.
Not every source or idea is going to resonate with you. Sometimes learning what doesn’t fit your relationship teaches you something too.
3) Find Pockets of Time Together
If I had a dime for every time I heard the word busy… well, I would have a lot of dimes.
Life really is busy.
And I don’t think telling someone to just make time is particularly helpful when they’re already juggling twelve things.
I would personally love to put on my Hermione Granger hat and add an extra two hours to the day, but apparently that’s still not an option.
Very disappointing.
So I’ve stopped thinking quality time has to happen in giant chunks.
Sometimes we get a date night.
Sometimes we get 20 minutes outside together. And sometimes things fall into place and we sit down after the kids go to bed and actually talk.
Small pockets count.
Because I’ve also learned how easy it is to technically spend a lot of time around your spouse without actually spending much time with them.
We don’t need to turn every free moment into quality time. I certainly don’t.
But when a pocket of time presents itself, very often it is worth actually using it.
It’s been awhile, but I’m pretty sure my vows did not include the line: Can’t wait until the day we hardly spend any quality time together.
4) Pay Attention to How You Each Show Love
People show and receive love differently.
That sounds obvious, but it took me some time to realize how much I was viewing love through my own lens.
Something that feels meaningful to me might not land exactly the same way for my husband.
And vice versa.
Years ago, I read about the idea of love languages, and it really got my brain revved up. It gave me really interesting things to think about and talk about. (I love talking so I was all in.)
When I cracked open this book it was like someone had let me in on a secret. It dives deep into the different ways people may give and receive love.
I don’t think anything out there needs to become like the official instruction manual for your marriage.
But I do think there’s value in asking what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. And just as importantly, what makes you feel loved and appreciated.
BTW: If you have kiddos, I highly recommend this book. It is all about the love languages of kids and it’s such an eye-opening read. I’m about to crack this bad boy open again because my almost teenager is giving me a run for my money.
5) Stop Trying to Win Every Disagreement
Here is something I know to my core. I am ALWAYS right when it comes to discussions or disagreements with my husband.
Just kidding.
Although I have definitely entered some disagreements with my husband extremely confident that the evidence was overwhelmingly on my side.
But I’ve learned that proving I’m more right doesn’t necessarily get us anywhere useful.
If my entire goal is to win, we’re now opponents.
And that’s usually not what I’m trying to accomplish.
That doesn’t mean keeping quiet or pretending I agree when I don’t.
I want to be able to say how I feel. I want my husband to be able to do the same.
But sometimes I have to remind myself to focus on what we’re actually trying to work through instead of mentally creating a spreadsheet documenting who currently has more points in the right column.
I’ll save the competition for when we are playing Scrabble.
Although that hasn’t always gone smoothly either.
6) Leave Room for Your Marriage to Change
My husband and I aren’t exactly the same people we were when we got married.
Thank goodness.
We’ve learned things. We’ve changed our minds. We have become parents. We’ve gone through different seasons with work, money, family, and life in general.
A long-term relationship is going to change because the people inside it change.
I used to be more resistant to that.
Change could feel like evidence that something was wrong.
Now I think it’s simply part of building a life with another person.
There may be things about your partner that change significantly. And there will probably be things that don’t change nearly as much as you’d like them to.
That’s part of it too.
I’m learning that I don’t need every season of my marriage to look exactly like the one before it.
Sometimes we adjust. Sometimes we figure out what works now instead of desperately trying to recreate what worked five years ago.
And sometimes I get lost in very detailed daydreams and get a little bummed when I’m snapped back to reality. Those rom-com movies and romance novels get their claws in deep, don’t they?
7) Get Comfortable With Some Compromise
In marriage, there is going to be some give and take.
But I don’t think compromise means one person constantly giving in.
And I don’t think everything has to be divided perfectly down the middle for a relationship to be fair.
One of the smallest examples in my marriage happens almost every night.
I love to cuddle when we go to bed. My husband does not.
Romantic, I know.
So we cuddle for about ten minutes, and then we retreat to our respective sides of the bed.
Is that a major marital breakthrough? No.
But it works for us. I get my cuddle. He eventually gets his space.
There are obviously much bigger compromises that happen over the course of a marriage, but I think these tiny examples are a good reminder that meeting in the middle doesn’t always have to be a huge production.
I also think the low-hanging fruit we can find in the compromise department can make way for the things that feel a bit heavier or out of reach.
8) Have Fun Together
Marriage involves plenty of serious things.
Bills are not particularly entertaining.
Neither are scheduling conflicts, home repairs, sick kids, or figuring out why something suddenly costs twice what it used to.
I’m not at all jazzed when those things make an appearance.
So I think having fun together matters.
Laugh. Be ridiculous. Have the three-minute dance party. Send each other something stupid in the middle of the day. Use accents when you talk. (My absolute favorite thing to do!)
Go get coffee or another drink or treat. Play a game. Watch something that makes both of you laugh.
Do whatever you two actually enjoy.
Fun doesn’t need to be reserved for vacations, anniversaries, or elaborate date nights.
So many of my favorite moments with my husband have happened in the middle of completely ordinary days.
They weren’t planned. And they weren’t groundbreaking.
All I know is sign me up for more of those.
9) Be Careful With “Always” and “Never”
This is one I have to remind myself of.
You always…
You never…
Those words can turn a conversation very quickly.
Because now instead of talking about whatever the actual issue is, the other person may be mentally searching the archives for the four times in the last decade that prove they did not, in fact, always do that.
They’re on a scavenger hunt.
And honestly, I understand the impulse.
Sometimes I’m frustrated and I’m trying to emphasize how strongly I feel about something.
But I’ve learned that using the biggest possible language doesn’t necessarily help me get my point across.
Sometimes it does the opposite.
I’ve also gotten better at recognizing when I’m too worked up to have a productive conversation at all.
There are times when taking a little space and coming back to something is significantly more useful than continuing because I feel like we need to solve it right now.
10) Don’t Lose Yourself Inside Your Marriage
You are still a whole person outside of being someone’s spouse.
That is an incredibly important thing to remember.
There have been many seasons when my roles have felt like they swallowed up most of me.
Wife. Mom. Person keeping track of all the things.
And while I love the people connected to those roles, I don’t want them to be the only pieces of who I am.
I want interests that are mine. I want to keep learning.
Friendships and time to myself should not be novelties I’m not privy to.
I want my husband to have those things too.
Having your own life doesn’t take away from a marriage. For me, remembering that I’m still an individual person actually helps me show up in my relationships in a way that feels healthier.
These personal growth books help me do that. (If you are a parent… these parenting books are awesome too)
I also just read this book last week and it had a really refreshing outlook and perspective on life and how we choose to live.
Final Thoughts…
I don’t think building a better marriage means constantly looking for what’s wrong with the one you already have.
And I definitely don’t think marriage needs to become another self-improvement project where we’re forever trying to optimize every interaction.
Sometimes things are good. Sometimes things are hard.
There are times we’re incredibly connected and times we’ve primarily communicated through questions about dinner and reminders to pick up toilet paper.
That’s real life.
What I’ve learned is that relationships need some attention, but that attention doesn’t always have to be enormous.
I’m not looking for Magical Marriage Secrets 101 anymore. Which is good, because that search wasn’t getting me very far.
I’m just interested in continuing to learn how to build a marriage that feels good and real for the two people actually living in it.
What have you learned about how to build a better marriage?
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