How To Be a Better Spouse: 5 Ideas Every Marriage Can Relate To

When you think about how to be a better spouse, what comes to mind?

Being a better listener. Being more understanding. Making sure you put the toilet paper on the holder the right way. Never leaving just one cookie in the container.

OK, those last two may seem a little less important. But leaving one cookie is just rude. I need at least three cookies at a time.

Anyway…

I think it’s easy to hear the phrase be a better spouse and immediately start imagining all the things we’re supposed to be doing.

Communicate better. Have more date nights. Be more patient. Show more affection. Put your phone down. Never go to bed angry (Not a fan of this one.) Read this book. Have this conversation.

Suddenly marriage has become another giant self-improvement project.

That’s not really what I’m interested in.

My husband and I have talked about this topic before, and unsurprisingly, we had plenty of ideas about what being a better spouse actually means.

Because there isn’t one answer.

What I need to work on isn’t necessarily what my husband needs to work on. And what helps our marriage might not be what another marriage needs at all.

But there are a handful of pretty ordinary things that we both think matter in our relationship.

Nothing revolutionary. No magical marriage formula.

Just some things I keep coming back to in my own marriage.

As always, take what serves you and your relationship and leave the rest.

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Here Are 5 Ideas for How To Be a Better Spouse

1) Be Nicer

Yep. That’s my groundbreaking first piece of marriage advice.

Be nicer.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not always as nice to my husband as I could be. And I don’t mean I’m intentionally walking around the house plotting ways to ruin the man’s day.

It’s more that when you’re incredibly comfortable with someone, it can become easy to stop thinking about some of the little ways you interact with them.

Sometimes I have to ask myself whether I would use the same tone with somebody else that I just used with my husband.

And occasionally the answer is…

Well, no.

It can be a little humbling to realize you just used more patience talking to a stranger at the grocery store than you did talking to the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with.

I’m not suggesting we need to walk around our houses speaking to our spouses like we’re customer-service representatives.

Thank you so much for unloading the dishwasher today, sir. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

But I do think the little courtesies matter.

Please. Thank you. A hug when someone walks in the door. Looking up when they’re talking to you. Doing something simply because they’ll appreciate it.

None of this would be categorized as exciting marriage advice.

That said, the longer I’m married, the more I think some of the least exciting stuff matters quite a bit.

2) Make Sure You’re Still Noticing the Good

There will always be things about the person you married that annoy you.

I’m sure my husband could provide you with a detailed list of mine if you gave him enough time.

But let’s not give him enough time.

The problem is that once I’m irritated about one thing, my brain can suddenly become exceptionally talented at finding twelve more things.

Things that weren’t even on my radar start doing jump scares at me left and right.

And if I’m not careful, the annoying things can start taking up way more mental space than everything that’s going right.

I don’t think the solution is pretending things don’t bother me. If something matters, I want to be able to talk about it.

And I’m definitely not interested in forcing myself to find three things I’m grateful for about my husband every time he gets on my nerves.

That sounds exhausting.

But I do try to notice the good too.

Something thoughtful he did. Something he handled that I didn’t have to think about. A way he showed up for me or our family.

Something that made me laugh. Even something completely ordinary that I could easily overlook.

Ordinary good things can become background noise really quickly.

And I don’t want the things that irritate me to automatically get the microphone while everything else sits quietly in the corner.

3) Have Your Own Life

Being married doesn’t mean we have to share every hobby, friend, interest, or free minute.

Honestly, I think that would drive both my husband and me a little nuts.

There are things we love doing together. And there are things that one of us enjoys significantly more than the other.

That’s okay.

I want interests that are mine. I want friendships. Of course I want things I enjoy learning about.

I want time when I’m not somebody’s wife or mom or the person who knows where every random object in the house is located.

And I want my husband to have those things too.

I used to think closeness meant doing more things together. Now I think there’s something really healthy about being able to go off and do our own things and then come back together.

It also gives us something to talk about besides the kids, schedules, bills, groceries, and whether somebody remembered to move the laundry or got the poop scooping taken care of.

For me, having things that are mine actually helps me feel more like myself inside my marriage.

It helps me feel like an actual person living and not just somebody who got stuck on autopilot indefinitely.

I don’t think at all that maintaining your individuality means you’re somehow less committed to your relationship. Well, I should say I don’t think that anymore. Twenty-five-year-old me was not as wise as forty-one-year-old me.

You’re still a whole person inside your marriage.

I think it’s worth remembering that.

(BTW: If you find you and your partner talking about the same things quite a bit, these TableTopics are fun for introducing some completely different conversations.)

4) Actually Listen

Listening seems easy enough.

Someone talks. You listen. Done.

Except… not exactly.

There is a big difference between hearing another person and actually paying attention to what they’re saying.

I know this because I’ve absolutely been looking directly at my husband while my brain is simultaneously thinking:

Did I move the laundry? What’s happening tomorrow? Did somebody feed the dog? What time does that school event start? Why is helping my 7th grader with her math and science homework so hard for me?

And then I realize I’ve retained approximately 14% of whatever he just told me.

Whoops.

I don’t think I’ll ever become a perfect listener.

Sometimes I’m distracted. Sometimes I’m tired. And sometimes I’m already preparing my response before the other person has even finished talking.

Heck, some days I have just hit my threshold for words and all I hear are beeps and boops.

But I want to keep getting better at listening. Not just waiting for my turn to speak or not immediately trying to fix something.

Not deciding what I think before I’ve actually heard the whole thing.

Just listening.

There’s something pretty powerful about feeling like the person you’re talking to actually wants to understand what you’re saying.

5) Don’t Let the Hard Stuff Be the Only Stuff

Life isn’t full of rainbows and unicorns farting glitter.

Life can be hard. Marriage can be hard.

There are bills and schedules and parenting decisions and work stress and health stuff and family stuff and a million other things that can take up space in a relationship.

And I’m someone whose brain can naturally find things that are wrong.

It’s like smelling dog poop in the house. Can I simply acknowledge the smell and carry on with my evening?

Absolutely not. I need to find it. Immediately.

My brain can treat problems the same way. If something is bothering me, it can become the loudest thing in the room.

So I’ve learned that I sometimes have to intentionally make room for the other stuff too.

Something good that happened today or something I’m looking forward to.

Something funny one of the kids did or something my husband did that I appreciated.

There’s almost always something completely ridiculous we can laugh about.

That doesn’t mean ignoring problems.

I’m not interested in throwing everything difficult into an imaginary hole and covering it with positive thoughts.

The hard stuff still needs somewhere to go. I just don’t want it to be the only stuff we’re talking about.

Sometimes things are hard and something funny happened. Sometimes I’m stressed and excited about something.

There are many times my husband is getting on my nerves and I still really like the guy.

Both things can exist at once. Your feelings or thoughts don’t have to reside in only one bucket.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve accepted that so many things can be true at the same time.

Final Thoughts…

I don’t think being a better spouse means becoming some endlessly patient, perfectly communicative person who never gets annoyed and always knows exactly what to say.

Thank goodness, because I would have failed that assignment a long time ago.

For me, it’s much more about continuing to pay attention. How am I talking to my husband? Am I actually listening?

Am I noticing what’s good along with what’s irritating me? And am I making room for myself inside our marriage?

I’m going to get plenty of this wrong. So is he.

We’re two regular people trying to build a life together.

Often, being a better spouse probably starts with something as simple as being a little nicer to the person standing in the kitchen with you. Even if they are kind of in your way and loaded the dishwasher wrong.

And not leaving them one cookie.

That’s just rude.