How To Strengthen Your Marriage
What I’ve Learned About Building a Stronger Marriage
When it comes to how to strengthen your marriage, there is one thing I know for sure.
There are no perfect formulas.
Every marriage is different. Every relationship has its own history, circumstances, personality, challenges, and layers.
That means there’s no script we can follow that guarantees a perfect marriage.
But the good news is that perfect marriages are like Hogwarts. They do not exist.
(Side note: I’m not sure which one I’m more disappointed about.)
I’ve been married long enough to know that relationships can go through all kinds of seasons.
There are times when you feel incredibly connected and other times when you realize you’ve spent the last eight days primarily discussing schedules, kids, work, and what you need from the grocery store.
Regular old life has a way of taking over.
I don’t think that means something is automatically wrong with your marriage.
But I do think it’s worth paying attention to your relationship instead of assuming it will always take care of itself.
These aren’t rules for creating the perfect marriage. They’re just some things I’ve learned and continue to work on in my own relationship.
As with any relationship advice, take what serves you and your marriage and leave the rest.
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Here Are 5 Ways To Strengthen Your Marriage
1) Remember That You Still Matter
Being part of a couple doesn’t mean you stop being an individual person.
But I think it can be surprisingly easy to lose sight of that.
Life gets busy. Kids and work need things. The house needs things. It starts to feel like a revolving door of everything or everyone needing something from you.
And somewhere in all of that, you can start to feel like you’re mostly moving from one responsibility to another. I’ve learned that how I’m doing as an individual absolutely impacts how I show up in my marriage.
Am I running on fumes? Am I stressed? Do I have anything in life that feels like it is just for me?
That doesn’t mean I need to reach some ideal version of myself before I can have a good relationship.
In the same sense, working on myself certainly doesn’t guarantee that every part of my marriage will magically fall into place.
But I don’t want to disappear inside my roles either.
I’m still a whole person inside my marriage and remembering that matters.
It can feel like you need to put all your eggs in the marriage basket to keep things moving. That’s just not the case.
If you’re interested in this kind of thing, these personal growth books are some I have truly enjoyed.
2) Keep Communicating
Communication sounds like such an obvious part of marriage.
And yet it can be incredibly hard. My 20-something self had no idea.
Sometimes I can talk to my husband for an hour about something completely ridiculous but somehow avoid bringing up the one thing that’s actually bothering me. (The school pick-up line really is a doozy.)
Make it make sense.
I’ve learned that communication isn’t just about having the big, serious conversations either.
It’s talking about what’s bothering us before it becomes something much bigger.
It’s saying what we want or need instead of assuming the other person should know.
Listening. Asking questions.
Sometimes it’s having conversations that would be significantly easier to avoid.
I like to keep a notebook handy to jot down things I want to discuss when they pop into my head. This way things don’t get forgotten about and become a bigger issue in the future.
I also have this impressive ability to remember something important at the least convenient possible time. Like when my head hits the pillow and I’m thinking, Dang it… I forgot to bring that up again.
Communication isn’t something I think you ever completely master. People change and what we need from each other changes.
We just have to keep talking.
I take a deeper look at communication in marriage here.
3) Make the Most of the Time You Have Together
We’ve all heard some version of never stop dating your spouse.
And sure, going on dates together can be great.
But there have been plenty of seasons in our marriage when regular nights out simply weren’t happening.
So I’ve stopped thinking that quality time only counts if it looks a certain way.
Sometimes it’s a date night out, and sometimes it’s dinner together after the kids go to bed.
Sometimes it’s sitting outside and talking. Sometimes it’s watching something together without both of us staring at our phones.
The amount of time isn’t always as important as what we do with the time we have. We find the pockets when we can.
And sometimes those pockets in the evening are small because this lady likes to be in bed early. How I used to stay out with my girlfriends half the night and still go into work with a smile is beyond me.
Sometimes a small pocket of time where we’re actually connecting feels better than several hours where we’re technically together but barely interacting.
Here are some at-home date night ideas you can try if getting out of the house isn’t in the cards. My husband and I have also become big fans of these TableTopics cards when we want something different to talk about.
4) Don’t Underestimate the Small Things
The longer I’m married, the more I appreciate the small things.
Grand gestures can be wonderful.
If my husband wants to organize a flash mob declaring his love for me, I will absolutely hear him out.
But we’re probably not getting a flash mob on a random Tuesday.
Real life is mostly made up of much smaller moments.
A hug before someone leaves for work. Even when I am deep in my morning process of putting lunchboxes together.
A funny text in the middle of the day. Laughing together. Actually looking up from your phone when they’re talking.
Saying thank you. A cute note on the bathroom mirror.
None of these things sound particularly groundbreaking. But I think that’s part of the point.
For a long time, I had a tendency to think bigger automatically meant more important.
I’ve changed my mind about that in a lot of areas of my life, and my marriage is one of them.
Small choices repeated over time can have a pretty big impact. And they’re happening right in the middle of ordinary life, which is where most of marriage actually takes place.
5) Be Open to Help
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that sometimes we don’t know what to do.
There is so much information available to us now.
Books. Podcasts. Conversations with people we trust. Counseling. Therapy. Different tools and resources that help us look at something from a perspective we hadn’t considered.
None of these things are magic.
Reading a relationship book isn’t going to make a marriage indestructible. Going to therapy doesn’t guarantee a particular outcome.
And sometimes advice simply doesn’t fit your relationship.
That’s okay too.
But I think there’s value in being open to learning.
I’ve read things that made me think differently about myself. I’ve learned things that helped me communicate better.
And I’ve also come across plenty of advice where my reaction was, Yeah, no thanks. That’s not for me.
That’s why I always come back to the idea of taking what serves you and leaving the rest.
There are so many amazing relationship books. Here are some of my favorites if books are your thing.
One more thing, it takes such strength to acknowledge when a situation you are struggling with could use a new set of eyes.
Final Thoughts…
Happy marriages exist. Healthy marriages exist. Strong marriages exist.
They just don’t usually fall right into our laps. They are built.
I used to think there was a way to have marriage completely figured out. While I do love solving things, I don’t really look at marriage that way anymore.
People change. Life changes. Marriage changes right along with it.
And while there are things I can personally do to strengthen my marriage, I also know that a healthy relationship isn’t something one person can create entirely on their own.
It takes two people showing up.
I can do all the things and none of that guarantees a perfect marriage.
Good thing I’m not looking for one.
The real one I’m building now is just fine. And I am always pleasantly surprised by what some small tweaks here and there can do.
Turns out we don’t need to sell most of our belongings and go to a marriage retreat.
What Have You Learned About How to Strengthen Your Marriage?
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